So far I’ve talked about my attraction to women and in the early days of discovering myself I very much thought sexuality was a binary thing. You are gay or you are straight. Bisexuality wasn’t really discussed and was a bit taboo. As I started discovering myself, my understanding, based on things other people said, suggested that bisexuality was for people who were greedy, non monogamous or confused. However, that is not the case and over the years I have become more comfortable with a slightly more fluid sexuality and I intend to discuss that journey now.
I had my first partner in my late teens, who was male and have discussed previously that I broke up with him because I could no longer deny feelings towards women. I know I got sweaty holding his hand and the kiss wasn’t so nice, but I am aware that despite those feelings I did have some caring feelings towards him and it did hurt to hurt him.
During my first proper job, after things ended with my first girlfriend, I remember having an attraction of sorts to a male co worker. In the end a group of us went out and got very drunk (as you do) and although I was openly gay, I ended up kissing a different guy (I know, what a tease!) and thinking that actually it wasn’t so bad. I guess that made me feel a little more comfortable about the idea and so when the guy that I was vaguely interested in asked me to his room, I decided to go. His wooing technique? Getting out some lesbian porn. What a way to get the girl eh?! Clearly, he was trying his luck, but I know I was still confused about the situation and the porn thing made me feel uncomfortable, so I left and that was that.
In some respects I wonder if I became/am a target for men as a girl who sleeps with girls can seem to be a threat to the masculinity of men. Especially when said girl doesn’t outwardly appear particularly ‘gay’ or masculine. The number of times I’ve had comments such as ‘why don’t you try a real cock’ is uncountable. However, I’ve now got my responses down to a fine art after 10+ years of practice! Woo hoo! And hopefully those responses inform their ignorance.
Anyway, in that particular situation I became scared about many things. The way he approached the matter was strange and disconcerting, but also thinking about what people had said about bisexuality make you think twice about considering anything that could class you to be ‘that way’.
I also know I would find the odd guy sexually attractive too, but would stop myself and tell myself that it wasn’t the case, in order to avoid the negativity or the idea of ‘coming out’ again. Can you imagine telling my mother that occasionally I’m attracted to men? (If you haven’t read the previous blogs, she is religious and told me I was a sinner when I came out).
A. She’d think her prayers had worked. Hallelujah!
B. There would be an expectation for me to end up with a guy, because that’s what is normal and non sinful. Apparently.
Although, she is more open minded now, that’s how I felt at that time.
Some years after this incident there came a point in life where I wasn’t having much luck with women and I started spending a lot of time with a guy at work for work reasons. We clicked and connected through our work and I started wanting to spend more time with him and learn more about him. I even got a little jealous when he started showing interest in someone else.
Eventually, we ended up on a night out (yes I see the theme too), dancing, getting close and hot and eventually kissing despite this other girl also being there. Clearly, he was interested (go me!) but had avoided saying anything as he thought I was gay. AND it was a great kiss too (go him!). We enjoyed the rest of the night and then I did end up in bed with him, which was a first for me. He totally took the lead and things unravelled to some extents and I really enjoyed what did happen. I felt turned on and it was a bit of a surprise to me. He was a true gentleman and his pants did not come off as I was clearly nervous. He said that he hoped I would still be in his bed in the morning and we settled down to sleep. Unfortunately, getting cuddled by a guy was not the same experience as with a woman (Who’d have thought?). The chest hair was scratchy, I felt claustrophobic, I couldn’t sleep and so I ran away from the situation. We stayed friends thankfully and he is a lovely person and has a lot going for him.
Sometimes I wonder why I got scared. Was it truly just the cuddling or was it the fact that he was male and I was more comfortable telling people I’m gay than trying to figure this out. However, what I did learn from the experience is that some men are beautiful and I shouldn’t write them off, so my mind has been opened to the possibility that maybe one day it could be a man that walks into my life. On the flip side, I also learnt that sex with men can be pleasurable for me, but maybe it is possible that it is just sexual attraction that would work for me and that a relationship may not feel so right.
Since that situation, I have become more and more open minded about my sexuality. If I see a guy and find him physically attractive, I allow myself to feel that and enjoy the moment. Why wouldn’t you want to enjoy walking down the street and getting a bit of a twinge because you’ve seen someone hot? If I guy is proud of his big muscly arms and asks if I want a feel (I really do!), I’ll say yes and have a cheeky feel (thankyou please), instead of acting disgusted by the idea. If a guy wants to ask me on a date, I will give him a chance if I think he is a nice person. Overall, these experiences have almost felt like I’ve had to come out to myself and accept myself all over again, but I feel much more at peace for allowing myself to feel what I feel. Besides, allowing yourself to just be can only work in your favour in identifying a true attraction to someone versus a more shallow attraction that probably won’t go anywhere.
In conclusion, I think sexuality is very fluid. I see it as a spectrum, although I intend to delve deeper into that theory in another post. People can feel straight, gay, bisexual or anywhere in between these labels. I believe education can only improve matters and allow people to be who they are sooner rather than later. It took until my late 20’s to understand all this simply because I was scared of other people’s opinions, which were created by a lack of understanding.
So come on people, just be you and feel what you feel. It can be oh so liberating! 😀